Setting things straight pt. I

People of planet earth!

My last post was may 20th. I find it hard to say what I've been up to since then. Recording some with Andreas Köhn. Going to Sweden. Playing a few gigs, one really good at Kristiania Espressobar (beaming El Topo and sinking deep into the mantras that I turned my choruses into), and one at 16DOORS with Kohwi where I felt at unease (bad day, technical problems, you know the story).

I was going to play with Nina Hynes last Friday. Then the news of the Oslo Attacks came, and we cancelled the whole thing. I felt shaken by the news, still feel weird. Had prepared what I felt would be a great set, only to be disturbed by this fanatic asshole. The energy you put into preparing. It takes a while to recover.

I've had the same old feeling coming back, that I don't know if I'm actually up for all this music stuff. I've got so many opportunities, I meet people, get to play venues, write new material. But all feels pretty hard. Like I'm waiting for some kind of break-thru. Like I've got to get past this big obstacle that is the way to a bit bigger fame than just friends and hangarounds. I get appreciation for what I do, I do. Maybe I just feel my music is to melancholic, like I can't make people happy with it. On the other side, I don't even know if I want to make people happy. My view of my music simply mirrors the trouble I have with everyday life, that is 'What am I supposed to do?'

I'm thinking of solutions: If I get a band together I don't have to feel so lonely with my music, if I really dive into the music and work my pieces out into the most perfect pieces of music yet that might grant me some satisfaction, if I start drawing again I'll find a way to take my focus off music and onto another, less competition oriented hobby, if I move back to Sweden maybe people will understand me there...

Well, there's probably no easy solution, I have to put up with myself, my ambivalence, my interest in music, for the rest of my life. I am happy that I'm able to experiment with my way of life the way I am. My only real problem is my own attitude. I'm a pessimist, and I don't really believe that my effort is worth much. But I'm trying to work with these issues.

I'm going to Sweden for a month, to Malmö. I'm doing an internship at the Town Planning, photo-documenting important details of buildings. On my spare time I'll prepare for a August 26 concert at the Makeriet gallery and event space, I'll probably en up mixing my drum machine-ladden guitar songs with more meditative drones and tape loops. I want my music to be diverse, I want my performances to rely on several disciplines. If I could. I'd erase boundaries between decades and genres. There's so much warmth, experimentation, soul in a lot of music. I'm trying to unite.

See you on Makeriet!